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4月18日 New BlogNow that I've recovered from a grueling work project that squashed all my creativity, I've decided to get back into the blogging world.
Enjoy! 5月31日 Top 5 Reasons I'm Pulling the Plug on This Blog1. That's enough lists already
It's been a year since I started this blog, and all these lists make me feel like I'm slumping to the side, ready to founder. What's the nautical term for that?
2. Time to do some different writing
I haven't written a short story or aborted novel since I started blogging. It's time to get back into the world of half-assed traditional fiction.
3. This blog fulfilled the measure of its creation
Last year, I knew that moving from Indiana to Seattle would stress me out. Instead of obsessing about my personal demons, I thought it would be good to distract myself with this blog. It worked, for the most part.
4. Time to shit-can the Top5 staff
All the bickering and infighting has gotten under my skin.
5. Time out of mind
Let me start by saying ... I promised myself I wouldn't do this ... that I appreciate each and every one of you who have taken the time ... I sincerely believe with all my heart that this wasn't MY blog; it was OUR blog!
Seriously, thanks for playing. 5月29日 Top 5 World Cup Favorites1. The Netherlands
Only one South American team has ever won the World Cup on European soil (in 1958, 17-year-old Pelé scored two goals in the final to help Brazil beat host Sweden). My best guess is that a European team will win it. Call it a hunch, but I have a sneaking feeling that Dennis Bergkamp will come out of retirement and lead the Oranje to victory.
2. Brazil
I can't take a team seriously if their best player is named Kaka. Dunga is fine, and so is Pujols, but Kaka? I know he puts an accent on the second syllable -- Kaká -- but that's just a workaround. If your last name is Shittehed or Pusse, throwing an accent onto the second syllable just shows denial: "Shittehéd makes a lovely touch and beats Pussé for a goal." Nope. Still sounds weird.
How does that single name thing work in Brazil? Does a player like Pelé give himself his own nickname, or does he have to reach a certain level before officials confer upon him a catchy name? I'd guess the former, which has to cause problems with mediocre players giving themselves a single name and then demanding to have Dooký on their jersey for their Tuesday night league matches. Or maybe they're given single names based on projected talent level, and guys like Kaka and Fred exceeded expectations. By the way, I don't care who Brazil is playing -- if Fred scores a goal, I'm going to whoop it up. (And yes, Fred is a real Brazilian player.)
3. Argentina
I just hope Argentina plays England. This is my favorite rivalry in sports. I'd rather see this matchup than a Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals or a Cowboys-49ers Super Bowl. Argentines are still upset about the Falklands War, while the English are still upset about the Mano de Dios. The World Cup games between them have been tight and well-played, if not well-officiated. By the way, I was in Peru during the Falklands war (I knew it then as Las Malvinas). If you think Fox News isn't exactly fair and balanced, here's a rough translation of the headlines I saw as the war progressed:
Argentina at War with England!
Argentine Forces Gaining Ground!
Argentina Routing the British!
British Forces Set to Withdraw!
Argentina Surrenders with Dignity
Most Peruvians recognized that American missionaries had little or nothing to do with a war between England and Argentina, but I experienced some hostility. A short drunk guy tried to beat me up in a tienda, and someone threw a cement block at me from the top of a building. It's an odd feeling to recognize a perilous situation only after the threat is gone. There's almost a sense of guilt for not being more emotional. My companion and I just kept walking, and one of us casually said, "You know, that could have killed us." "Yep." But I digress. Argentina-Inglaterra 2006!
4. England
I know, I know -- Rooney is out for at least the round robin play, and Owen is banged up and likely out of form. Even though England's two best scorers are out, guys like Gerrard, Terry, and Lampard can still control the match. Besides, losing a big name like Rooney can take the pressure off a team. I would put them up higher, but it looks like David Beckham is going to play. If he were Brazilian, his name would be Sissý.
5. Mexico
Yo, check it -- I'm going to be in Mexico when Mexico plays one of the preliminary games! If you disapprove of the exclamation mark, you (A) care nothing about sports in general or soccer in particular, (B) live somewhere in the world where everyone in your neighborhood is already piss-pants excited about the World Cup, or (C) have never experienced how thrilling it is to be in a country where everyone goes nuts for the World Cup. When I made travel plans, I wasn't even thinking about the World Cup, and now I'm looking forward to that Mexico game more than scuba diving or windsurfing. ¡Viva Mexico! ¡Ándale! ¡Ándale! ¡Arriba! ¡Arriba!
Also considered:
France - Thierry Henry is the most brilliant striker around, but France seems flat.
U.S. - No chance at all. They have to play above their heads just to get out of their group with Italy and the Czech Republic, two bona fide top 10 teams. And Ghana is no pushover.
Germany - They have home field advantage and they made it to the semi-finals in the last World Cup. You'd think they'd be considered favorites, but you don't hear a lot about them.
Italy - They were robbed by terrible officiating in 2002. This is my fourth favorite team, behind Peru, the U.S., and Mexico. Number 5 is England, for those of you who like a well-rounded list. 5月26日 Top 5 Bike Crashes with CarsFortunately, this morning I just got hit for the fifth time on a bicycle, so I can write a Top 5 list on this subject.
1. The guy coming out of his bat cave
So I was riding my bike to work, minding my own business, when I approached a stop sign. Across the street walked two attractive young women. As I made the turn, I looked away from the women and shot a quick glance to the left to make double sure no cars were coming. All clear. As I made the turn, still looking at the women, I noticed way too late that a car was speeding forward out of its driveway. I had time to turn slightly and unclip my pedals, and WHAM! I bounced off the hood and did a somersault onto the pavement. Crowd, police, ambulance ride -- it was a bona fide scene.
2. The dude in the pickup truck
Again, I was minding my own business, riding past a line of cars in the left lane, when all of a sudden a pickup truck pulls out into the right lane -- my lane -- and slams on his brakes. My front wheel hit his bumper and my chest slammed into the back of his gate, knocking the wind out of me. I sat down on the sidewalk to shake it off. The driver got out and asked if I was OK ("Dude!"), but I couldn't speak. A woman who worked in the laundromat came out and asked me about twenty times if I needed a glass of water. All I wanted to do was get away from the dude and the hydrophiliac, so as soon as I could breathe, I got on my bike and rode off. For all I know, my glasses are still in the back of that guy's truck.
3. The BYU student who cut me off
I've written about this before. A driver made eye contact with me while passing me, and then made a right turn right in front of me, cutting me off and turning my front wheel into a taco.
4. The Qwest guy in the van
This morning, while minding my own business, I passed a line of cars on the right and arrived at the front of the line just as the light turned green. The Qwest guy didn't have his blinker on, so I kept riding. He turned. Thump. Neither of us were going fast, so I managed to stay on my bike as I angled my shoulder and elbow into the side of the van while he completed his turn. He must have heard the thump or seen me in his side-view mirror, because he stopped. I rode around him. He motioned for me to pull over, but I was on Wendy's fancy electric bike, and there's something about the self-propulsion that makes you not want to stop and talk to people.
5. The overwhelmed soccer mom
The Alpine Loop is one of the best road rides in the whole wide world, but there are some steep switchback turns on the narrow two-lane road that makes the ride treacherous. A frazzled woman in a Suburban took up both sides of the road, leaving me no choice but to skid and slide under her. She stopped, got out, and dearly wanted to know if I was OK. I told her that I was fine apart from a few scratches, but my bike was a mess. The important thing for her was that I was OK, so she drove off without saying another word, leaving me on the side of the road with a crimped bike. I had to find someone else to drive me home.
Speaking of overwhelmed soccer mom's here's the most disturbing story I've ever heard. In Colorado Springs, a Mormon woman in our old ward was taking a bunch of her kids to church. As she backed up out of her driveway, she heard a thump, so she stopped and pulled forward, creating a second thump. She had run over her 3-year-old girl. Refusing to panic and do something crazy like call 911, the woman scooped up the child, put her in the car, and drove to church, where she dropped off all the children who hadn't been run over, and then she drove to the hospital. In all fairness, the mother was probably in shock and couldn't think straight, so I'm being too harsh. Still, her child died. I told you it was disturbing. 5月24日 Top 5 Recent BushismsThere was a time when a few intelligent conservative friends thought George W. Bush was capable if not articulate. When elected in 2000, I heard assurances that Bush would surround himself with competent Republicans who would advise him well. Five years later, with the exception of a barber who tells racist jokes, I don't know a single person who thinks Bush is anything but a total embarrassment. Then again, I live in Seattle, where people think it's clever to call parents "breeders." Die-hard Republicans, feel free to correct me. You know where the CAPS LOCK key is.
1. On the war on terror
"And I want those who are questioning it to step up and explain why all of a sudden a Middle Eastern company is held to a different standard than a Great British company." —Defending a plan to allow a company from the United Arab Emirates to manage ports in the United States
Oh, I know, I know! Me! Me!
2. On those who have lost arms and legs for the war on terror
"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself —- not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch." —After visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center
Bush wouldn't be able to joke around like that if not for his own distinguished military career. Oh wait...
3. On why Saddam Hussein was a state sponsor of terror
"He was a state sponsor of terror. In other words, the government had declared, you are a state sponsor of terror."
That's a circular argument because it's circular. In other words, it's a tautological argument because it's a tautology.
4. On promoting the great state of baseball
"I think it's really important for this great state of baseball to reach out to people of all walks of life to make sure that the sport is inclusive. The best way to do it is to convince little kids how to— the beauty of playing baseball."
It's amazing the Texas Rangers didn't totally suck when Bush was their owner. Oh wait...
5. On the other George
"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting thing about him is that I read three— three or four books about him last year. Isn't that interesting?" —Showing German newspaper reporter Kai Diekmann the Oval Office
I have questions:
- Has any other president bragged about reading books? - If any other president had claimed to have read a few books, would your first reaction be to call bullshit? 5月23日 Top 5 Trips to Mexico1. Baja
I borrowed my girlfriend's car and drove down to Mexico with a couple of friends -- Wendy and her ex-husband Stan. Stan didn't have much money at the time, so he decided the best way to resolve that problem was to stop in Las Vegas, build up his cash supply, and take Baja by storm. We pulled over at a casino somewhere in Nevada. I didn't want to go inside, so I told Stan I'd wait in the parking lot where it's less depressing. Stan said he'd be back in 45 minutes. About five minutes later, Stan came out white faced and muttering. "That didn't go so well." Vegas, baby! We spent the week traveling along the Baja coast until we found a pleasantly obscure beach where we could camp. When we weren't hanging out at the beach, we dined at a local tavern or bought blankets at the central market. Every night, we lit a fire and watched the sun set over the ocean. Tranquilo pues.
2. Club Med
My older brother convinced me to go with him to the Club Med in Cancun. I'm not exactly a Club Med kind of guy -- I need to work on my "WHOOO!" shout -- but it ended up being a great trip. Typical day: waterski, eat breakfast, windsurf or scuba dive, eat lunch, take a long siesta, play basketball and soccer, swim, eat dinner, drink and chat. We met a fascinating guy who made a six-figure living writing Harlequin romance novels. His nom de plume was something like Carolyn Blanchette. He told us that most romance novelists are male with deceptive pseudonyms. Whenever we casually referred to a "tumid sausage" or "heaving juggs upon her glistening bosom fair," Carolyn rolled his eyes.
Meal arrangements were interesting. Back then, when servers seated you, they tried to match you with similar people. If Mark and I shaved and cleaned ourselves up, we'd sit at a table with the Beautiful People. One night, when we were at a Beautiful People table, I sat across from a striking woman from Chicago. I still remember trying not to stare at the overly tight zipper on her top. She started calling me Utah, so I called her Chicago, and things were clicking. OK, I need to give some background for this story to make sense.
At the time, I had recently left the Mormon church, which gave me an illusion of freedom. Of course, I was still bound by my same conscience, but I was unaware at the time. I told my friends before the trip that one of my objectives was to have guilt-free sex with strange women in Mexico. Since then, I've learned enough about myself to know that for many reasons, I'm not wired for casual sex, but I hadn't figured that out yet. I don't want to go into all the fun details, but suffice it to say that I had agreed to meet Chicago at a certain time and place before she left the following morning. Nerve-wracked and full of libidinous anticipation, I went out to the boardwalk to relax and get some fresh air -- and I fell asleep! When I woke up an hour after we'd agreed to meet, I ran to our rendezvous spot and shouted "Chicago!" I never saw her again. Whenever the subject of lost opportunities comes up, Dug will often shout "Chicago!" Thanks, Dug.
3. Tijuana
Pronounced "ti-uh-hwanna," this awful town is on the other side of the border below San Diego. We drove down there for a family trip when I was a little kid. On our way back, the border patrol guard asked if we had any fruit or fireworks or illegal aliens in the trunk. My Dad said no, but that was a fib -- he had bought some fireworks. When we returned home, his conscience got the best of him, no doubt exacerbated by my mother's dismay, so he gathered us around the bathroom. He apologized for fibbing, and told that he would flush the firecrackers down the drain. We were upset. "No, Dad! Instead of flushing them down the toilet, can't we just burn them?"
4. Cozumel I scuba dived twice a day along the some of the most beautiful reefs in the world. For some dives, you just drift along the reef and take in the scenery as if floating in space. For a moment, you get the feeling that you're stationary while the reef is moving past you.
5. Playa del Carmen
I got sick on the plane on the way to Mexico, so I had Montezuma's revenge before I had a single meal in Mexico. Still, it was a nice romantic trip. Wendy was pregnant, but we didn't know yet that we were having twins. 5月20日 Top 5 Shapes for Bicycle Wheels1. Circular
Currently the dominant geometric shape both in market share and mind share. The smooth, graceful ride overcomes any perceived lack of a "Wow-factor."
2. Octagonal
Imagine the look on your friends' faces when you show up at the top of Hog's Hollow with eight-sided wheels. Let's just say you'll grab their attention.
3. Hexagonal
The hex wheel has a bumpy ride compared to the smoother octo, increasing the probability of pinch flats.
Note: Any brake that grips the rim, such as the popular V brake model, won't work well with this bike -- you're much better off with disc brakes, which grip at the hub. For best results, use the default circular disc brake.
4. Square
Picture yourself at the Leadville finish line as you "roll" in on your square tires. It'll make those guys who used single-speeds seem like weenies. By the way, this wheel works especially well if you're riding over a road made out of inverted catenaries.
5. Rhomboid
The biggest problem with this wheel is that nobody remembers what a rhombus is, so the conversation inevitably goes something like this:
Regular cyclist: Got everything you need?
Cyclist with rhomboid wheels: Yes, I'm good. Just fixing another pinch flat.
RC: Dude, what kind of wheels are those?
CWRW [Sighing]: They're the new rhomboid wheels.
RC: Aren't two of the sides supposed to be parallel?
CWRW [Sighing heavily]: No, that's a trap-- What are you staring at? You want me to tell you these wheels are a mistake? OK, they're a mistake! Satisfied?
RC: Chill, dude. I have an extra tube if you need one.
CWRW: Does your extra tube have four segments of varying lengths?
RC: No, it's one of the new octa-tubes.
CWRW: Lucky!
5月18日 Top 5 Things I Dislike About Corporate CultureIt's one of those days. Spring is here, the sun is shining, and I don't have a dog to kick. I'm going to celebrate Festivus a little early this year and air my corporate grievances. 1. The JargonOne of my former managers was articulate and professional but dumb as a hole punch. At first, I thought the fact that she dressed in smart business suits somehow meant that the area of her brain above the stem functioned. It turns out she really just knew a few managerial words like "leverage" and "escalate," and she pieced these words together as if making sentences out of refrigerator magnets. Going forward, we'll table the core values and escalate the action items so that we can implement the functionality. Then we'll escalate the input and option the functionality without compromising the prioritized core values. She barely knew how to use email.
2. The Myers-Briggs Personality TestI'm a good worker bee. I'll work weekends to meet deadlines, I'll submit a variation of the same absurd goals and objectives every quarter, and I'll even sit through meetings in which we need to think outside the box to come up with a mission statement. I usually don't speak out about corporate nonsense until some new manager comes in and wants to use the Myers-Briggs Exam to get us all to understand each other vis-a-vis human metrics typology. Here are two questions picked at random:
68. You have good control over your desires and temptations. _Yes _No 69. You know how to put every minute of your time to good purpose. _Yes _No
Manager: We've gotten the Myers-Briggs results from everyone except you, Bob, so that's a new action item. It would be great if you could escalate that, m'kay? Me: Oh I stopped taking that test a couple years ago. Just put me down as a Quad 4 Introverted Introvert. Manager: That's not how it works. We need the results from everyone in the system. It'll only take twenty minutes, m'kay? Great. Me: Sorry, you don't understand. I made a vow that I would never take that test ever again. The answers don't make any sense to me. Manager: But it's a Yes/No questionaire. How difficult can that be? And it's based on Carl Jung! Me: I won't take that test again until they let me choose Yes, No, or Maybe. Manager: OK, let's come up with a win-win here. Can you just answer the questions you feel comfortable with? Me: Maybe. 3. Swingline StaplersI look across the street at the next building, and I just know they're equipped with the Stanley-Bostitch staplers. Two and 3/4 throat depth, 100 pages per staple, adjustable pivot, ergonomically fluid. I wish I had more control over my feelings of envy.
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5月17日
Top 5 Movies I've Never Seen
Unfortunately, I can't make jaw-dropping boasts like "I've never seen Star Wars" or "I've never seen Citizen Kane." I went through the list of Top 100 American Film Institute movies as well as IMDB's top 250 rated movies, and I've seen nearly every movie I think I should see. I know what you're thinking. If I don't have bragging rights about great movies I've never seen, why am I writing this? The answer is simple: volume, volume, volume.
1. Touch of Evil
I've rented this Orson Wells classic, but it hasn't actually made it into the video cassette replay device.
2. West Side Story
I've never seen the Sharks and the Jets getting huffy with each other.
3. La Dolce Vita
I even went through a Fellini phase a few years ago. Nights of Cabiria is brilliant, but I just keep resisting La Dolce Vita for some reason. Now that I think about it, this is inexcusable. Even if a movie is crap, I still love listening to people speak Italian. When I was in Florence, I remember sitting in a pizzaria in which the chefs were inside the square counter cooking pizzas in a big brick oven while the customers sat on the outside of the counter. One of the chefs burned a pizza, and several customers berated him in musical language that made the whole thing seem like a fantastic show. I had the opposite feeling on a train when I heard a Swiss woman reading to her daughter in tubercular German. Is there an uglier sounding language than Swiss German?
4. Bambi
Ugly propaganda.
5. Network
I'm as mad as hell that I haven't seen this movie.
Let's see who has bragging rights. What's the greatest/most popular movie you've never seen?
Let's see who has bragging rights. What's the greatest/most popular movie you've never seen?
5月15日
Top 5 Thoughts on Hunting
I've taken some heat for the African hunting pictures I posted recently. Given the fact that I have new readers visiting from irate PETA bloggers (WELCOME!!), I'll try to lay out in clearer terms what I think about hunting -- not that it'll mean anything to the "HUNTING IS WRONG!!! I HOPE YOU DIE!!!" crowd. For what it's worth, I don't consider myself a hunting expert in any way. I'm still learning about the subject.
1. I have mixed feelings about the hunting photos
When I look at the photos, I go through a range of emotions. I feel at once happy for Mark and sad for the animals. Seeing those big majestic animals propped up for a photo op makes me feel puzzled and somewhat repulsed. The animals still look alive. I've wondered whether people still don safari hats and roam the wilds of Africa to kill trophy animals like Teddy Roosevelt and Commander McBragg; and if so, who are they? Answer: my brother!
This is the same guy I used to fish with when we lived in Northern Michigan. We'd sit for hours by the lake near our home, trying different lures and baits and casting methods. We never caught a single fish. Correct that -- we caught one. One afternoon, we gave up fishing from the shore, tied a line to our air mattresses, and swam out to the middle of the lake to bask in the sun. All of a sudden, the corner of my air mattress started bobbing up and down. Hurray! We took the prize fish home in a bucket. "Mom!" we shouted. "We caught a fish! We thinks it's a trout! Let's eat it for dinner!" Our mother made us take the fish back to the lake, which secretly pleased me. That wasn't exactly a Hemingway moment, except for the bit about Northern Michigan.
I also realize that these photos don't adequately depict the hunting experience. They don't show the reading of tracks and the stalking of prey and the struggles with mamba snakes. Nor do the photos reveal what would happen to these or similar animals if hunters didn't cull their numbers. They just show a happy hunter standing over the animals he killed.
2. Hunters hunt for the sake of the hunt
When hunters rationalize their sport by claiming to increase big game populations, they aren't implying that they're in it purely for the noble conservation of animals. They're obviously in it to hunt and kill and nab their trophies. Hunters often hear that a bear/deer/zebra can either continue to live freely and happily in nature, or it can have its life ended prematurely by a cruel hunter, and they want to set the record straight. The reality is that humans are doing so well at survival that we're squeezing animals into small corners of the world, and the limited size of these areas leaves us with difficult choices. In wilderness areas that are close to where people live, predators like mountain lions need to be controlled, which allows their natural prey to become overpopulated. That's where the folks with orange hats step in. In large remote areas like Alaska and protected sanctuaries like Yellowstone, it isn't as necessary to control predators, so the food web is more balanced.
It's often self-interested hunters who work hard to conserve wild places and wildlife. People like Teddy Roosevelt set aside huge wilderness areas in the U.S. and form wildlife commissions to create and enforce wildlife regulations . . . because they want to hunt and kill. Hunters are up front about that.
3. I don't think killing animals is necessarily wrong
The idealistic radicals who want humans to make the transition from being omnivores to herbivores are going to take issue. I eat meat. Big slabs of flesh cut off a dead animal.
4. Some animals have it coming
I don't like deer. There's a lot of Bambi propaganda out there about deer being sweet and gentle creatures of the meadow, but I don't buy it. I've been viciously attacked by these cervine monsters, and I want retribution. When it comes to deer, I'm actually a person for the unethical treatment of animals. I may start a PUTA club.
5. There's something foul in the state of South Africa
Back to being serious. From what I understand, private land owners in South Africa are doing much to preserve wilderness areas, protecting endangered species by using the land for big-game hunting. It's in their best interest to leave the land wild and fight off poachers. At the same time, these wealthy land owners are the same white people who've been on the wrong side of the apartheid situation for so long.* Then again, it appears to be true that in those areas of Africa where the white imperialists ceded control to the native Africans, wildlife preservation enforcement has become more lax, letting ranchers and poachers do much greater damage to the wildlife than when the imperialists were running the show. Then again, the landowners who charge money to let people hunt on their land also protect their game by illegally killing natural predators like cheetahs, using the three S's rule: Shoot, Shovel, and Shut up. Then again, most of the meat from these hunting ranches goes to the poor black people, who eat everything except the lungs. Then again, why are the black people so poor? My head is spinning. Suffice it to say that I'm still not going to play Sun City.
*I live in Seattle where white people are indigenous, so I feel free to get on my high horse about apartheid.
5月13日
Top 5 Summer Movies I Want to See
1. Snakes on a Plane
You see, there are snakes . . . on a plane! That sounds really, really dangerous.
2. Strangers with Candy
I used to watch the Comedy Central show a few years ago. Amy Sedaris fascinates me, not only because she's funny in her own right, but because I picture her through the eyes of her brother David, my favorite writer. Plus Stephen Colbert is involved. I want to support him after he roasted George W. Bush in person a few weeks ago at the White House correspondents' dinner, providing a cathartic moment for those of us who think the president is irresponsible.
3. The DaVinci Code
Ron Howard has directed some good movies like Splash, Night Shift, and Apollo 13, but I don't know if he's the best pick to direct this. Still, like nearly everyone else, I throughly enjoyed the novel and want to see the film version. Dan Brown combined formulaic thriller conventions with an intriguing art history backdrop, making the novel somehow richer and more satisfying than reading Dean Koonz or one of those other airport novelists. Of course, it turns out that a bunch of the historical background derives from wild conspiracy theory and implausible conjecture, but that doesn't matter to me. I never took that stuff seriously.
4. The Omen
They're remaking the original and releasing it on June 6 -- 6/6/06. As British golf announcers say, "Devilishly tricky."
5. United 93
From what I've heard, it's restrained and well done. On the flip side of restraint and well-donedness, Oliver Stone is coming out with a movie in August called World Trade Center. I hereby vow that I will never, ever see that movie. With the exception of the first half of Platoon and a couple scenes from Wall Street, that ham-handed bozo hasn't made a single movie worth watching. Can't someone stop this guy?
Postscript: I just watched United 93. It's restrained and well done.
Also considered:
Clerks II (yes)
A Prairie Home Companion by Robert Altman (yes)
Poseidon (no)
Superman Returns (no)
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest (video)
Miami Vice (never)
A Prairie Home Companion by Robert Altman (yes)
Poseidon (no)
Superman Returns (no)
Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest (video)
Miami Vice (never)
5月11日
Top 5 Alarming Headlines in Today's News
1. Another Bush in the White House?
Subtitle: Jeb would make a 'great president' big brother says
2. McDonald's Unveils Panel for Food Advice
No, this isn't from The Onion. It's real.
3. 347 Locals Identify Slain Prostitute
OK, this one is from The Onion.
4. Bush: We're Not Trolling Your Personal Life
Translation: We're trolling your personal life.
5. Do loose chicks sink dicks?
Subtitle: College men offered sex on a plate are reportedly having trouble getting hard. Do men really need to chase women down to get it up?
5月10日
Top 5 Reasons to Own Crappy Stuff
Minette has been going through an anti-clutter phase recently. She has a rule that if she buys anything, she has to throw two things away. Her resolve got me thinking about money. In the past, Wendy and I have been fairly good about spending what we need rather than what we earn, but since we've moved to Seattle, we're spending whatever we earn, and then some. Most of what we buy is essential stuff -- food, clothes, utilities, an electric bike, car repairs, big-screen TV -- but it's the non-essential stuff that's irritating me. I've always agreed with the notion that if you're going to buy something, you should make sure it's high quality. Now I'm not so sure. There's something to be said for owning crappy stuff, like homemade bookshelves and cycling t-shirts from the 90s.
1. More relaxed about breakage
This is especially important with two-year-old twins. Max just broke our junky DVD player, which we'd gotten free for buying a set of tires. "Hmm," I said. "I think we have another one out in the garage." When Luke pulled the knob out of a clock radio that I've owned since college, I shrugged. "Now try to put it back on." But whenever I see a scratch on our new hardwood floor or a stain on the overpriced Persian rug that Wendy had wanted her "whole life," I feel some negative emotion -- stress, anger, regret -- and I think I'd be happier if I weren't attached to so much stuff.
2. Greater sense of freedom
Back in my post-college/pre-adult days, a friend of mine lived in a cinderblock apartment filled with broken furniture, dead insects, and debris. It was shoddy and filthy and surprising comfortable. It's no surprise that eight of my ten favorite parties happened right there in that run-down apartment filled with crap that the Salvation Army would reject. You just felt free there. Why not put your feet on the couch? Why not shake your can of beer and spray it when Argentina won? Why not hork one onto the floor instead of looking around for facial tissue? You don't get that sense of freedom when you have nice stuff.
3. Better financial perspective
Most people have a skewed perspective when it comes to money. My brother who just went hunting in Africa refuses to hire movers, even if he has to move all his belongings by himself. I've spent tens of thousands of dollars on bicycles and books, but the idea of having a housecleaner seems extravagent. The more I can put up with crappy stuff that's functional, the more money I have to spend on more important things -- like a fixed-gear bike.
4. Easier to be generous
"Yes, I have a sweatshirt you can wear. In fact, you can have it."
5. Less greed and envy
We moved from a dumpy split-level home in Indiana to a nice new home in Seattle that quadrupled our house payments. I love the Seattle home, but minor flaws in this home are ten times more annoying than major flaws in the other home. And now that we've entered the nice home fray, I crave an even nicer home.
5月9日
Top 5 Animals My Brother Killed in Africa
My brother went through a nasty divorce a few years ago and took up hunting and reading Hemingway. I'm not a hunter. The first animal I ever killed was a robin perched in a tree. A friend and I had been hitting boulders and signs with our wrist rockets, and then I noticed a bird about 100 feet away. After announcing my target ("See that bird?"), I let fly. Just hitting the tree the robin was sitting in would have been a good shot, so it shocked me when the pebble soared in a perfect arc and smacked the robin in the head, dropping it to the ground. After the exhilaration of hitting my small target evaporated, I was left feeling queasy and sinful. Get up, little birdie. Fly away. While I have no drive to kill animals, I have nothing against hunting, as long as the hunter follows a respectable code. Here's Mark's response to a question about hunting in Africa:
"The story of hunting the Limpopo Province in Northwest South Africa (next to the Botswana border) is interesting. Conservation through killing? Animals have actually tripled according the South African Game Management officials. The value of taking care of game animals on individual properties and allowing a certain number of animals to be taken has exceeded the value of growing crops or raising cattle. Land left alone to cattle ranching would have left the antelope and other animals in direct competition for food with the cattle. As you know, game animals lose those battles. Then there's the problem of poaching, which costs money to prevent. At an average of $2,000 a shot, the income from hunting far exceeds the ability to raise revenue from photo safaris. In an ideal world, the lamb lies down with the lion."
1. Blesbok
Notice the blood from the animal on Mark's face. He was following an Afrikaans tradition for his first African kill.
2. Impala
One of two impalas that he got. Mark had to take an off-handed shot at the running bull, but he dropped it. The horns actually place it in the SCI record book.
3. Blue wildebeast
"We stalked him for 2 hours with a native tracker and eventually took him from about 30 yards away in the Brush. He had a swollen knee and was an old bull who had been kicked out of the herd."
4. Zebra
That's right, a zebra! Based on my experiences at the zoo, I had the impression that I could kill a zebra with a sturdy flashlight. "By far one of the most difficult animals to hunt," said Mark. "I wasn't really interested initially in hunting Zebra, but after trying unsuccessfully many times -- the challenge became too much to resist."
5. Warthog
"The 13-year-old Poomba was harrassing a female through unwarranted groping and lewd looks (acting like a male pig) and he gave me one more second than he should have."
5月4日
Top 5 Audio Books for Cycling
I know what you're thinking: Why not just Top 5 Audio Books? Because being on a bike limits what you can listen to, that's why. A good audio book for a bicycle commuter above all must be entertaining, and it must be familar enough to allow some degree of distraction and mind drift. I tried listening to Ian McEwan's Atonement, which is both engaging and rich, but the traffic noise and distractions prevented me from enjoying the book on a deeper level. Here are the best ones I've found:
1. Of Mice and Men
This has it all -- compelling story, excellent narrator, familiar. Steinbeck structured this novel as if he were writing a play, relying heavily on staged scenes and dialogue. The audio book is narrated by Gary Sinise, who produced and directed the excellent 1992 film version with John Malkovich. It's the perfect audio book for cycling.
2. Pride and Prejudice
A prominant psychiatrist recommended this book to help shell-shocked World War I victims calm their nerves and regain their prewar sensibilities. In fact, Rudyard Kipling wrote a story called "The Janeites" about such a group of veterans. Pride and Prejudice is a beautiful book to listen to, and it would be number one if not for the fact that my version was divided into hour-long segments -- bad for an iPod Shuffle. It's too difficult to fast-forward or rewind within a track. Sorry Jane. You know I'm a fan, but audio tracks should be about 3 minutes long.
3. Hamlet
I know this story pretty well, so it's not a problem if I drift off every now and then. But the biggest advantage is that it gets me thinking in Elizabethan English. If I'm lucky, it will actually work its way into my language, and we'll have lunch conversations like this:
[Enter ME, stage left]
ME: "Good sirs, pleasant wenches, all -- Methinks this potted meat bespeaks a most foul and unnatural odor."
DAVID: "Why didn't you get the macaroni and cheese? It's healthier than Spam."
ME: "Alas! Nature has fought with reason in a most unmanly manner. My thoughts and wishes do bend against my stomach. I am indeed vexed!"
RAY: "You don't have to eat it."
ME: "So have I heard and do, in part, believe it. [ASIDE] Oh, that this too, too jellied meat would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into an edible thing. Frailty, thy name is Hormel!"
[Exit all]
4. Selected Shorts
NPR listeners may be familiar with this Sunday afternoon program. I've been lucky enough to check out several collections of short stories from the local library. So far, I haven't been bored by a single story from any of these collections. While riding to work just this morning, I laughed out loud, only to notice that I was passing a construction worker whose glare made me feel like a chucklehead. For your edification, the story that busted me up was "The Fix" by Percival Everett.
5. Into Thin Air
Even if I hadn't already read this, I'm pretty sure this story would have worked well on the bike. Climbing Mount Everest is a ridiculous thing to do, but Krakauer paints such a clear picture that you find yourself wanting to give it a try. One drawback to the audio book is that the narrator reads all the footnotes, which breaks the narrative flow.
Also considered:
To Kill a Mockingbird
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (first 3/4)
Anne of Green Gables
The Corrections
Great Expectations
The Hobbit/LOTR
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (first 3/4)
Anne of Green Gables
The Corrections
Great Expectations
The Hobbit/LOTR
5月3日
Top 5 Machiavelli Quotes
People who use deceipt or craft to gain political power are often called "machiavellian." I know little about Machiavelli. I had always assumed he was some evil behind-the-scenes player in the Karl Rove mold, but today's Writer's Almanac paints a different picture. By the way, Writer's Almanac is one of four websites I read every day. May I recommend that you bookmark it? I don't think I'll read The Prince any time soon, but I did want to get a better feel of where Machiavelli was coming from. Here are my five favorite quotes of his:
1. On honor
"The promise given was a necessity of the past: the word broken is a necessity of the present."
Partisans accept this viewpoint only if it benefits their party. Doesn't it seem like calling someone machiavellian is about the same as calling them a politician? Twenty years ago, I would have been called cynical for saying this.
2. On love and fear
"It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both."
Is there a difference?
3. On crushing enemies
"Men ought either to be indulged or utterly destroyed, for if you merely offend them they take vengeance, but if you injure them greatly they are unable to retaliate, so that the injury done to a man ought to be such that vengeance cannot be feared."
A friend learned this lesson in a high school fight. In a movie theater parking lot, he squared off against a kid from a rival high school. My friend got in a couple good shots, dazed the guy, and slammed his head into the hood of the Volkswagen, leaving a dent. Then he let up, thinking the guy had had enough. If he'd had members of Cobra Kai to shout, "Finish him!" or "Put him in a body bag! Yeah!" my friend wouldn't have had his nose shattered in five places. The guy kicked him in the face, repeatedly, while he was down. Machiavelli is appealing on a certain level.
4. On mankind
"Of mankind we may say in general they are fickle, hypocritical, and greedy of gain."
Being greedy used to be a vice.
5. On war
"War should be the only study of a prince. He should consider peace only as a breathing-time, which gives him leisure to contrive, and furnishes as ability to execute, military plans."
Think maybe the neo-cons like Machiavelli?
5月2日
Top 5 Weekend Babysitting Moments
Wendy went to Utah for a well-deserved break, so I was home alone with the boys for four days. Oh, and I know parents don't "babysit." It just sounds better than "watching the kids" or "tending the children."
1. Bring up by hand
One of the advantages to watching the kids alone is that I could revert to my bachelor ways of cleaning only when things became disgusting. The problem with this approach is that I hadn't factored in combining the cleaning frenzy with watching the twins. We ended up playing a kind of pop-a-mole game in which I followed the boys from room to room, cleaning up after them. The boys ended up in their room while I finished cleaning the rest of the house. "Hey, this is working well," I thought. Oh no. It was quiet...too quiet. Sure enough, their clothes were strewn all over the room and smeared with Desinex, and they were pulling the last of the wipes out of the box. I yelled at Max to stop, but he kept doing it, as if I were merely voicing a preference, so I slapped his hand.
"When Daddy tells you to stop, you stop!" I said. (Like professional athletes, Bob often refers to himself in third person.)
"Daddy hit," said Max.
"Yes, Daddy slapped you. When you don't do what Daddy says, he slaps your hand or spanks you. It's Daddy's way of telling you he's serious." I forgot to add that it also means Daddy lost his temper and was too lazy and short-tempered to do the timeout thing. Max and Luke really liked the new idea of being slapped, so he and Max started slapping each other like rock 'em sock 'em robots, saying "slap" with each hit.
"When Daddy tells you to stop, you stop!" I said. (Like professional athletes, Bob often refers to himself in third person.)
"Daddy hit," said Max.
"Yes, Daddy slapped you. When you don't do what Daddy says, he slaps your hand or spanks you. It's Daddy's way of telling you he's serious." I forgot to add that it also means Daddy lost his temper and was too lazy and short-tempered to do the timeout thing. Max and Luke really liked the new idea of being slapped, so he and Max started slapping each other like rock 'em sock 'em robots, saying "slap" with each hit.
"Don't slap each other. Only Daddy gets to slap."
2. Negotiating by violence
Sunday in the park. Luke and Max headed to the sandbox, where a pasty-faced older boy was playing with his sand bucket. Luke and Max tried to help the boy put sand in the bucket, but the boy didn't want any help. He took his bucket away. The boy's father didn't say anything, so I told the twins not to play with toys that aren't theirs and tried to distract them with a different activity. Max went back to the bigger boy with the bucket. The boy pushed down Max. That was the first time I'd ever seen any other kid push or hit one of my boys. I pulled Max aside and comforted him, while the boy's father, to his credit, finally stepped in and told his son to use his words instead of hitting. I thought I'd be more upset by this assault on my son, but nah. He was just protecting his territory, the little hellbound shitwad. I was more disappointed that it wasn't a clear black hats versus white hats situation. Like this great sudden fiction story.
Sunday in the park. Luke and Max headed to the sandbox, where a pasty-faced older boy was playing with his sand bucket. Luke and Max tried to help the boy put sand in the bucket, but the boy didn't want any help. He took his bucket away. The boy's father didn't say anything, so I told the twins not to play with toys that aren't theirs and tried to distract them with a different activity. Max went back to the bigger boy with the bucket. The boy pushed down Max. That was the first time I'd ever seen any other kid push or hit one of my boys. I pulled Max aside and comforted him, while the boy's father, to his credit, finally stepped in and told his son to use his words instead of hitting. I thought I'd be more upset by this assault on my son, but nah. He was just protecting his territory, the little hellbound shitwad. I was more disappointed that it wasn't a clear black hats versus white hats situation. Like this great sudden fiction story.
3. Joie de vivre
Allow me to ruminate on parenthood. Caring for children is relentless. Re-lent-less. So far, parenthood has not provided me with any thrilling moments. The closest it gets is when the boys laugh with their whole bodies. When I was reading to the boys, Max spray-sneezed me, and I said, "Oooh, blecky." Luke thought this was hilarious, so he fake sneezed. "Blecky," I said in mock outrage. Now both boys were laughing and fake sneezing and falling onto the bed holding their stomachs, and they probably would have kept doing that for 20 minutes until I told them the joke had played out, and it was time to find some new material. Anyway, caring for children isn't thrilling in the same way that kayaking is thrilling, but I do feel a deeper satisfication, something like joy. That feeling is definitely there at this stage. I hope it stays that way.
4. Alcohol
I'm not a big drinker, and I hardly ever drink alone, but when the boys finally went down on Friday night, I kicked back, drank a couple beers, and watched ultimate fighting on Spike TV. If you don't think I scratched my nuts a couple times, dear reader, you're mistaken.
I'm not a big drinker, and I hardly ever drink alone, but when the boys finally went down on Friday night, I kicked back, drank a couple beers, and watched ultimate fighting on Spike TV. If you don't think I scratched my nuts a couple times, dear reader, you're mistaken.
5. Mommy's home!
Aaah! Sweet relief!
4月28日
Top 5 Things I Like About Survivor Panama
Wendy is out of town, so I'm watching the boys by my own self. Shhh. They're asleep upstairs. Here's what I like about this Survivor, which is vying for second best series ever (the first season will never be topped). Warning: this post may end abruptly.
1. The contrast between the tribes
Early on, one tribe was smart and cohesive while the other tribe threatened and insulted each other, yet the disfunctional tribe somehow won most of the immunity challenges. Even more amazingly, after all their in-fighting, they stuck together and picked off the stronger tribe's members one by one after the merge, leaving only one guy left from the other tribe. It's just an odd dynamic. So many of the Survivor series blend together with the same formula: one tribe gets the advantage, people form new alliances around the time Black Person #2 gets voted off, and people look into the camera and say, "I promised Silicone Boobs #1 that I'd take her to the final four, but she's got to understand this is a game, and I'm here to win for myself..." This version isn't following that formula. At least not as much.
2. Exile Island/Hidden immunity idol
I like this new element. For those of you who aren't watching the show but are still reading for some crazy reason, the winner of the rewards challenge sends a person to Exile Island, where there isn't much food or shelter, but there is a hidden immunity idol, which acts as a one-time Get Outta Jail Free card, only in this case it's a Don't Get Voted Off the Island card. It makes the strategy more interesting.
3. Terry
Terry is a 47-year-old fighter pilot who acts exactly how you'd think a fighter pilot would act. He's the smartest and the strongest and the best leader. He's the last man standing from his tribe, staying alive by winning every individual immunity challenge. He also found the hidden immunity idol and won the challenge in which the winner gets an SUV, so he has a huge advantage. I would say he's the Tiger Woods of Survivor, but that may be pushing it since he's competing against the goofballs from the other tribe.
4. Cirie
I think that's her name. She's a large black woman who's playing the game perfectly right now. She pushes the right buttons at the right time, and she knows when to follow and when to take the lead. She may not win, but I don't think I've ever seen a stronger under-the-radar player. In last night's episode, she found out that the leader of her tribe, Shane, wanted Courtney to make it to the end because no one will vote for her to win, and she also found out that Courtney was aligning herself with Terry. She managed to convince a couple of people to vote Courtney off the island, weakening both Terry and Shane in the process, but without exposing herself as a leader. Jolly good show.
5. The rest of the cast
I have strong feelings about nearly all the players. Shane and Courtney are both train wrecks, Shane in an amusing way and Courtney in a fingernail-chalkboard way. I really dislike the New Yawker with fake boobs. Now please understand that I'm not judging her for having breat implants. Lord knows I have a fake penis that I strap on whenever I go rollerblading or disco dancing, but it bothers me that she's dumb and whenever there's a challenge that involves mud and bikinis, she allows the editors to blur out her exposed top. I guess I'd like to see an HBO Survivor. Or better yet, a Cinemax Survivor. Now we're talking.
4月26日
Top 5 Alternative Endings for Huck Finn
While listening to the audio book of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, I just got to the point where the story grinds to a halt. Mark Twain abandoned the novel because he had written himself into trouble -- Huck was floating south with a runaway slave -- and Twain didn't know how to end the story. Years later, he returned to the novel and came up with the anti-climactic solution of having Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer rescue Jim through a series of tedious, boyish ploys. It's the reason a critic called Huck Finn the greatest three-quarters novel in American literature.
Given the fact that Mark Twain and I fall in the same category of brilliant creative artists -- we're the writerly equivalent of black belts in Brazilian Jujitsu -- I think it's fair for me to give Mr. Twain a few ideas on how he could have concluded his novel.
1. Huck and Jim crash the raft on Shipwreck Island
A violent thunderstorm destroys the raft and washes Huck and Jim onto the shores of Shipwreck Island. They make their way to a large mansion inhabited by a Russian general. To their horror, it is revealed that the Russian general has become bored with hunting animals. He now hunts humans.
"I reckon we're in a fix." says Huck. "You mean to say you just up and kill people?"
"I hunt people," says the Russian general. "I vill hunt you."
"My land!" says Jim, "Po' niggers can't have no luck. Pooty soon I'll be a-shoutin' and a-hollerin'and a-dead. Unlessin' you be a-playin' a prackical joke on po' ol' Jim, massah gen'ral, that is to say."
"I neffer joke avout hunting," says the Russian general.
2. Huck is capture by space aliens
Good writing instructors call this "fracturing the text."
3. Huck battles a big fish
After Huck floated for many miles, he floated for many more miles and after that he drank. He pulled out his rod, and it was a good rod, and he fished. It was hot and dry and sticky but quite lovely. A grand fish struck Huck's line and it was a strong line and the fish was grand and Huck was macho. Huck battled with the big fish for three days and the fish fought hard and Huck respected the fish and he respected himself. He was a fighter and a lover of many women even though he had only the one testicle. Huck went into a cafe and drank a splendid cognac and it tasted good and he wanted more. There was nothing. Nada. And nada pues nada.
4. Huck joins the Mormon church
One of the main themes of the novel is Huck's pure heart doing battle with his deformed conscience. By joining the Mormon church, Huck realigns his conscience with his heart.
5. Huck kills himself
I realize it's awkward for a first-person narrator to kill himself mid-sentence. But whenever a good writer gets into trouble, he kills the main character. That's what we great storytellers do.
4月25日
Top 5 Songs from Under the Covers, Vol I
I just bought my first CD in five years. I fell in love right from the start, before I even listened to the CD. All I had to do was remove the cellophane -- no stickers to peel off from three sides, no security tabs, no additional tools or personnel required. Listening to the CD was also pleasant. As the title hints at, it's a collection of covers by Matthew Sweet and Susanna Hoffs. If those names aren't familiar, Matthew Sweet made an album called Girlfriend about 12 years ago that was one of the best albums of the 90s. It has the feel of a Greatest Hits album in more ways than one. Every song is good, but there's no continuity and there are too many songs that sound similar, so it works better on random play. Susanna Hoffs was the lead singer for The Bangles who sang "Manic Monday" and "Walk Like an Egyptian." I like the fact that she's a great singer who happens to be pretty, not the other way around. I had a crush on her back when MTV played videos.
1. "And Your Bird Can Sing"
The Beatles wound up finishing second on the all-time greatest Rock n' Roll bands competition, but have no illusion -- they made some decent music, including this song. In this case, George Harrison actually uses his guitar to make pleasing sounds, and there's none of that "Hey, look at me, I've been to India" raga crap. This cover is an interesting version. You can preview the songs here.
2. "Run to Me"
As is the case with the If I Were a Carpenter tribute album, adding a little edge to the sugary music from the 60s and 70s can sound great. It's odd how the smashing success of Saturday Night Fever destroyed the Bee Gees' reputation. They made some good pop music before then, including this song. And I'll even admit that I like their disco music too. There, I said it.
3. "Everybody Knows This Is Nowhere"
I need a little more time to sort this out, but right now I like the cover of this old Neil Young song more than the original. They also do "Cinnamon Girl" on this album.
4. "The Kids Are Alright"
I didn't know The Who wrote this song. After hearing this cover, I'm nearly tempted to take them off my list of Top 5 Most Overrated Bands. Nearly. Then I realized the lyrics were about a too-young father who abandoned his kids to go find himself. I can't stand people like that. Needless to say, this version sounds way better than the original.
5. "It's All Over Now, Baby Blue"
I heard this and thought, "Wow, they covered an obscure Badfinger song." Then I read the liner notes and realized it's a Bob Dylan song. But... but... am I not a huge Bob Dylan fan? I just checked on my iPod, and I have 14 of Bob Dylan's albums, and probably more on CD that I haven't uploaded. So why do I feel like an outsider when it comes to Bob Dylan?
4月24日
Top 5 Fuel-Efficient Cars
Time to buy a new car. The crappy Isuzu Rodeo I bought in 1993 is finally breaking down. With gas at three bucks a gallon and Bush unable to get on the horn and convince his Arab friends to "open the spigot" -- something he accused the previous president of failing to do back when gas shot up to $1.20 a gallon -- it seems smart to buy a car that gets good mileage. By the way, don't you think Bush supporters are less upset with the scandals and incompetence and botched wars than with the high cost of gas? If a Democrat had defeated Bush, don't you think Republicans would be all over Gore or Kerry about oil being $75 a barrel?
1. Honda Insight
This funky little 2-seater gets 60/66 mpg in city and highway. Unlike the other Hondas on this list, the Insight wasn't retrofitted to add the battery -- it's a more integrated system. But with two-year-old twins, this car just wouldn't work if we want to stick to our plan of being a one-car family.
2. Honda Civic Hybrid
We were all set to buy this car, which gets 49/51 mpg. Unfortunately, the engineers stuffed the battery between the back seat and the trunk, so there isn't enough trunk space for the stroller. That killed the deal. It didn't help that the Honda salesmen lied to us on several occasions. I asked if the Civic was much larger than the Prius, and he scoffed: "Pfff. Absolutely." This might be true if it weren't so false. You can get money from an ATM, buy groceries, and get on a plane without talking to a single person, so why can't you buy a new car using a touch pad at a kiosk? And here's the thing -- I don't mind talking to bankers and cashiers, but car salesman make me want to puke on their vests. On the scale of humane humans, only morticians and florists are lower.
3. Toyota Prius
This is the one we decided on. The stroller slid into the trunk, leaving plenty of room for groceries or a dead body. The mileage you get depends on how you drive the car. Based on what I've read, if you drive this car aggressively, you'll only get about 30 mpg, but if you adjust your driving habits, you can get twice that. One of the drawbacks to getting a Prius is the long waiting list. I don't mind waiting a few months for a car, but I do mind buying a car without leverage. You have to trust the car salesman not to rip you off. In other words, you factor being ripped off into the purchase. Have I mentioned that I don't like car salesman?
Another drawback is the backlash against the Prius. Am I going to drive a Prius, or am I going to be the kind of guy who drives a Prius? Whenever I make a big purchase, I obsess about such things. Should I buy a big-screen television, or should I stop watching TV altogether? Should we buy a crappy little house in a lousy neighborhood and save enough money to retire early, or should we buy a nice house in a nice neighborhood that requires two incomes to make payments? I think I would have been better off in feudal times. It wouldn't matter whether I was a Lord or a serf, as long as I didn't have Big Life Decisions hanging over my head all the time.
4. Honda Civic
The regular Honda Civic gets 40 mpg. Honda makes a great car.
5. Volkswagon Golf
People who own Volkswagons talk more about replacing bad electric fuses than a parent talks about changing diapers. It just goes with the territory.
4月20日
Top 5 Movies About Homosexuality
1. Brokeback Mountain
I didn't think I'd like this movie, but it snuck up on me from behind. My staff and I thought it was very gripping. OK, that's enough of that. Seriously, I thought it was a great love story. I had my computer turned on and my crossword puzzle out so that if it got boring, I could multitask. No need. I was riveted. I can see now why so many people fumed when Crash won the Oscar for Best Picture. In fact, I'm angry now. This was worse than Chariots of Fire beating out Raiders of the Lost Ark, worse than Forrest Gump over Pulp Fiction, and about the same as The English Patient over Fargo.
2. The Kiss of the Spider Woman
William Hurt and Raul Julia play prisoners in a South American prison. That final scene with William Hurt being pressed to name names in the back of the car makes the movie worth watching by itself.
3. Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Please don't complain that I'm mixing up homosexual and transgender issues. Please... Pretty please... I'm trying to be the Sensitive Guy with the Ponytail, but I can easily lapse into the Angry White Male with the Swingline Stapler.
4. Top Gun
"That's right! Ice ... Man. I am dangerous."
Interesting Trivia: Val Kilmer didn't want to make that film, but he was contractually obligated, which accounts for the stamp on his forehead in all his scenes. And Matthew Modine turned down the Tom Cruise role. Maverick.
5. Angels in America
Clever, but way too long. And speaking of mailing it in, Meryl Streep doesn't cut it as a Mormon mother.
4月19日
Top 5 Real Man Moments in Literature
Brokeback Mountain just arrived in the mail. Before I watch it, I thought it would be a good idea to reassert my manhood.
1. Raymond Chandler
"I think a man ought to get drunk at least twice a year just on principle, so he won't let himself get snotty about it."
For those of you who don't know, Raymond Chandler wrote The Big Sleep and other hard-boiled detective stories that later became Humphrey Bogart movies. If you don't take him seriously, Chandler was hilarious: "It was a blonde. A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window." He certainly didn't take himself too seriously: "She jerked away from me like a startled fawn might, if I had a startled fawn and it jerked away from me."
2. Evelyn Waugh (or someone)
"Never apologize, never explain."
Evelyn Waugh may not have been the first to say this, but I'm bestowing him the honor, because a British guy with a name like Evelyn ought to say things like that. I shouldn't make fun. Whenever there's any kind of confrontation, I apologize, especially if I'm feeling anxious or guilt-ridden. A few weeks after I first moved to Washington, I was feeling lost and stressed out, a failure in life. As I was bringing a boom box into the office, another writer got on the elevator:
Conrad: "That's a big boom box."
Me: "Yeah, it's too big, but it's the only one I had, and I need something to listen to music with. And it was on sale."
Conrad: "You don't have to explain."
Me: "Sorry."
I know, I know. Pretty sad. If it's any consolation, I'm a much tougher guy in my imagination. If I followed the macho code, the conversation would have gone something like this:
Conrad: "That's a big boom box."
Me: "Damn straight."
Conrad: "God, I admire you!"
3. Ernest Hemingway
"I kissed her hard and held her tight and tried to open her lips; they were closed tight."
Hemingway is often thought of as a manly man writer, but whenever I take up Hemingway, I'm always surprised by his sensitivity. At times, he wrote some downright unmanly things: "I like to listen." Or even worse: "Only one marriage I regret." Come on, Papa. A real man has no regrets.
4. G. Gordon Liddy
"To be strong a man must be able to stand utterly alone, able to meet and deal with life, relying solely upon his own inner resources.... Once I held my hand in the flame of a candle –- just to see how tough I was."
Why don't Democrats talk like that?
5. Jack Handey
People of Mars, you say we are brutes and savages. But let me tell you one thing: if I could get loose from this cage you have me in, I would tear you guys a new Martian asshole.You say we are violent and barbaric, but has any one of you come up to my cage and extended his hand? Because, if he did, I would jerk it off and eat it right in front of him. “Mmm, that’s good Martian,” I would say.
That's from a New Yorker article.
4月18日
Top 5 Reasons to Ride an Electric Bike
I just got Wendy an electric bike for her birthday. You can read about it here.
1. It takes the edge off steep hills
Wendy is a reasonably strong rider. A few years ago, we took our touring bikes with us to Germany and rode down along the Rhine and then along the Danube until we ended up in Vienna. Our bike panniers were loaded with all the stuff we needed for the trip, and Wendy had no problem riding 20-60 miles a day. We had baguettes and wine for lunch, schnitzel for dinner. Good times. Unfortunately, Wendy's asthma has gotten worse, and we live near the top of the highest hill in Seattle. Besides, Wendy doesn't have much time to get in good riding shape, what with the twins and all. (By the way, last night they were at it again. After we put them down for bed, the little blessings got into some A&D diaper rash ointment and spread it all over their clothes and hair. I tried to wipe it off and I shampooed their hair 3 or 4 times each, but the ointment wouldn't come out. So Wendy combed their hair into a Dapper Dan-style coiffure, and they finally went to sleep.)
Where was I? Oh yeah. Hills. With the electric bike, Wendy can ride up any steep hill without having an asthma attack. You still have to pedal an electric bike -- it's not like a scooter -- but riding up a steep hill requires the same effort as riding up a moderate incline. Now we can ride to Lincoln Park or Alki Beach, or we can do my favorite ride close to home -- Vashon Island. We'll pile the boys into the trailer, ride down to the ferry, and then ride up the steep hill to get to the town of Vashon. Wendy will be chatting amiably on her electric bike while I act like towing the boys isn't totally working me.
2. It helps a slow person go a little faster
A person who usually rides a normal bike about 10-12 mph on the flats will go about 13-15 on an electric bike. But if you ride about 15-17 mph, the electric bike won't help you go any faster. It's geared too low, and it shuts off at 17 mph for safety reasons. In other words, it's not something Fatty or Dug will want to try, but my 44-year-old friend Rick may want to think about getting one soon.
3. It helps you ride without effort
I rode the electric bike home in about the same time that I cruise home on my road bike, and I wasn't nearly as tired. Since we have only one car, the electric bike is a viable option for days when I'm fighting off a cold or feeling hungover. If you want to ride your bike 5 miles to work without breaking a sweat, the electric bike is a good option.
4. It's maintenance free
At least so far. Charging the battery is easy, and you don't have to let the battery run all the way down.
5. It's the new trend!
Singlespeeds are so 2004. All the cool people are riding electric bikes.
Singlespeeds are so 2004. All the cool people are riding electric bikes.
4月17日
Top 5 Easter Run-ins with the Twins
1. Good Friday Bedtime
I don't know if it's their cold medication or Easter excitement or what, but the boys haven't been going to sleep at night until around the same time we do -- 11:00. We put them in bed by 8:00, and that's when the wild rumpus has started. Wendy and I took turns going into their room, where we discovered the light turned on and the stuffed animals spread all over the floor. At first I showed patience.
Me: Are you going to turn on the light again?
Luke: Yesh.
Me: No, Luke. The answer is no. Are you going to turn on the light again?
Luke: Yesh.
Me: Luke, I am your father!
Luke: Light on.
Me: No, Luke, NO! If you turn on the light-- [and here I pause, reluctant to threaten them without following through]. If you turn on the light again, I'll-- I'll-- I'll make some reconsiderations. Now go to sleep! Good night!
Of course Luke turned the light on as soon as he sensed I was gone, so I went back into the room again, ready to dish out similar vague threats. If the boys were a few years older, I'm sure they'd pretend to bite their fingernails and whisper things like, "Oh no, Daddy, no -- not more reconsiderations."
2. Mow candy!
On Saturday morning, we took the boys to the neighborhood Thriftway, where they battled with hundreds of other kids in the hunt for plastic eggs. The boys were excited, which makes it easy to believe that you're doing the right thing as a parent. So what if the plastic eggs are filled with candy? The kids love it! Plus, we got to wait in line to see the Easter Bunny. Luke didn't seem all that impressed by the 5'10" Easter Bunny, but Max thought it was magical. After they had their pictures taken, Max broke away from me, ran back to the Easter Bunny, and caressed his fuzzy thigh. "Touch," he said.
Me: No, Luke, NO! If you turn on the light-- [and here I pause, reluctant to threaten them without following through]. If you turn on the light again, I'll-- I'll-- I'll make some reconsiderations. Now go to sleep! Good night!
Of course Luke turned the light on as soon as he sensed I was gone, so I went back into the room again, ready to dish out similar vague threats. If the boys were a few years older, I'm sure they'd pretend to bite their fingernails and whisper things like, "Oh no, Daddy, no -- not more reconsiderations."
2. Mow candy!
On Saturday morning, we took the boys to the neighborhood Thriftway, where they battled with hundreds of other kids in the hunt for plastic eggs. The boys were excited, which makes it easy to believe that you're doing the right thing as a parent. So what if the plastic eggs are filled with candy? The kids love it! Plus, we got to wait in line to see the Easter Bunny. Luke didn't seem all that impressed by the 5'10" Easter Bunny, but Max thought it was magical. After they had their pictures taken, Max broke away from me, ran back to the Easter Bunny, and caressed his fuzzy thigh. "Touch," he said.
That's all fine and good, but then we had to have about fifty conversations like this:
Max: Mow eggs! Mow candy!
Me: No, Max, you've had enough.
Max: Aaagh! Whaa! Mow candy!
Me: No, Max, no more candy. You can have organic yogurt. Or a piece of bread.
Max: Mow candy!
It wasn't even Easter yet.
3. Saturday Night Fervor
At around 9:00pm, after we thought we'd finally gotten the boys down, Wendy and I heard a big crash upstairs. Luke and Max had broken into the closet and knocked over a heavy dresser, which could have caused a Hospital Owie. And the only thing worse than a Hospital Owie is a Dead Bug Owie. I shouted a real threat this time -- if they turned on the light again, we weren't going to hunt for Easter eggs in the morning. Then I shut the door and watched to see if the dark crack under their door lit up. This time Luke was the voice of reason: "No, no Max, no light. Eggs. Eggs." Whew.
At around 9:00pm, after we thought we'd finally gotten the boys down, Wendy and I heard a big crash upstairs. Luke and Max had broken into the closet and knocked over a heavy dresser, which could have caused a Hospital Owie. And the only thing worse than a Hospital Owie is a Dead Bug Owie. I shouted a real threat this time -- if they turned on the light again, we weren't going to hunt for Easter eggs in the morning. Then I shut the door and watched to see if the dark crack under their door lit up. This time Luke was the voice of reason: "No, no Max, no light. Eggs. Eggs." Whew.
A half hour later, we heard another crash. Luke had fallen off the dresser in an attempt to redecorate the room. That time, I'm afraid I skipped the threats and negotiated by violence.
4. Mine!
Max woke up from his Sunday afternoon nap grumpy and out of sorts, and he wouldn't snap out of it. We loaded up the food and went over to Minette and Andy's house for a delicious Easter dinner with Minette's family. Max and Luke took center stage. And not in a good way. I don't need to go into detail, but if any of you have ever wondered if two-year-olds can ruin a holiday meal, the answer is simple: yes.
5. Share and share alike
The boys are pretty good about sharing. I'm trying to get them to be little Republicans by encouraging sound principles of conformity. Specifically, establishing strict rules in a community enables individuals to thrive within that restricted community. When they're sophomores in college, they can become Democrats and value individual freedom and arrogance above all.
The problem with this Young Republican approach, of course, is the fact that the boys weren't ready for Peeps. Peeps can derail even the most committed idealogues.
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