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5月18日 Top 5 Things I Dislike About Corporate CultureIt's one of those days. Spring is here, the sun is shining, and I don't have a dog to kick. I'm going to celebrate Festivus a little early this year and air my corporate grievances. 1. The JargonOne of my former managers was articulate and professional but dumb as a hole punch. At first, I thought the fact that she dressed in smart business suits somehow meant that the area of her brain above the stem functioned. It turns out she really just knew a few managerial words like "leverage" and "escalate," and she pieced these words together as if making sentences out of refrigerator magnets. Going forward, we'll table the core values and escalate the action items so that we can implement the functionality. Then we'll escalate the input and option the functionality without compromising the prioritized core values. She barely knew how to use email.
2. The Myers-Briggs Personality TestI'm a good worker bee. I'll work weekends to meet deadlines, I'll submit a variation of the same absurd goals and objectives every quarter, and I'll even sit through meetings in which we need to think outside the box to come up with a mission statement. I usually don't speak out about corporate nonsense until some new manager comes in and wants to use the Myers-Briggs Exam to get us all to understand each other vis-a-vis human metrics typology. Here are two questions picked at random:
68. You have good control over your desires and temptations. _Yes _No 69. You know how to put every minute of your time to good purpose. _Yes _No
Manager: We've gotten the Myers-Briggs results from everyone except you, Bob, so that's a new action item. It would be great if you could escalate that, m'kay? Me: Oh I stopped taking that test a couple years ago. Just put me down as a Quad 4 Introverted Introvert. Manager: That's not how it works. We need the results from everyone in the system. It'll only take twenty minutes, m'kay? Great. Me: Sorry, you don't understand. I made a vow that I would never take that test ever again. The answers don't make any sense to me. Manager: But it's a Yes/No questionaire. How difficult can that be? And it's based on Carl Jung! Me: I won't take that test again until they let me choose Yes, No, or Maybe. Manager: OK, let's come up with a win-win here. Can you just answer the questions you feel comfortable with? Me: Maybe. 3. Swingline StaplersI look across the street at the next building, and I just know they're equipped with the Stanley-Bostitch staplers. Two and 3/4 throat depth, 100 pages per staple, adjustable pivot, ergonomically fluid. I wish I had more control over my feelings of envy.
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评论 (10)
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Zuke
发表:
Mmmmmm... yeah, so I'm gonna have to ask you to go ahead and come in this weekend to finish up those TPS reports. Mmm... Ok...? Good...
5 月 22 日
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Becky in Indy
发表:
Bob, I'm really worried about you and your obsession with the Stanley-Bostitch staplers. Maybe (on behalf of your boys) your wife could get you one of these highly-coveted staplers for Father's Day, with your name engraved, so no one else would be tempted to take it. Really. I mean, if you're the kind of guy who drives a Prius, you're definitely the kind of guy who should own his own Stanley-Bostitch. Maybe even two! (one for work and one for home). I hope you don't have to suffer with the Swingline much longer!
5 月 19 日
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bikmike
发表:
does God have a "Power-Point" presentation
of our lives, ready when we die?
man, i hope he doesn't back-up
his hard drive very often.
5 月 19 日
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Steve发表:
Office malaise can be downright debilitating. My sympathies, Bob. But hey, at least we made it to Friday -- TG!
It sounds like that buzzword-brandishing former boss of yours is not very effective. I thought everyone of her ilk knew that when you're leveraging, it's synergies that you're going for, in concert with value added.
I've always found the hole punch to be the dumbest of all office implements, too. It sits in stark contrast to the long-blade paper cutter. While I'm on the subject, it's interesting that you brought up staplers. My own Swingline was incapable of piercing through a mere 29 pages yesterday despite the fact that I stood up and put all my weight into it. Now that I know superior options are out there, I've got bad case of penetration envy.
5 月 19 日
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Boz
发表:
Yesterday, the GM and SM called me into the office. We need a heavy hitter back on the drive, because Sluggo is leaving. You can cure all our sales ills, CSI problems, find Jimmy Hoffa and a cure for cancer.
But you hate me and wanted me out of that position 2 years ago. Plus, the gal I would work next to is a big, fat, obnoxius C_ _ _ that I can't stand, and either can anyone else in this building. Does she have pictures of you guys in a 3-way with a goat? I don't want the job.
We need you. Besides the owner and his lackey - advisor say we are overstaffed, so moving you to lead writer and eliminating your position, making the shop a free for all , would take care of that.
Those that don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Blank stares.
Besides, it would interfere with my blogging.
Soon to be unemployed,
Boz
5 月 19 日
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dug
发表:
elden, i can't believe you forgot. bob was a MASTER technical writer before he left wordperfect. i think he was so good they invented the title for him, and they only used master because they were a little uncomfortable with calling him "the wizard."
that changes everything.
5 月 19 日
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Gracia发表:
Haha, love this one...and I had a boss like the one you described. How do they get there? I mean, my manager couldn't even open up her email, *not kidding*, even after showing her how at least 30 times.
All this makes me think of the movie Office Space. Stapler....hilarious.
5 月 19 日
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1. Hey, your boss was a high functioning corporate citizen. She used functionality twice in 2 sentences. Didn't you know that trumps a double-escalate, unless you're holding a red knave downsizing card or the black queen of projects?
2. I don't know the name of the profiling quiz most popular in Australia. I do know that I've taken it dozens of times. The one with sets of 4 phrases from which you must select a "most like" and "least like". I personally least like the test.
3. Don't get between me and my Marbig stapler. I have a stationary obsession and I'm not afraid to use it.
4. It's the same powerpoints. You don't even have to edit in the company logo. It is automatically inserted at the email firewall when the presentation is sent from one company to another. As a manager, you only get to choose how fast the slides proceed and what colour tie you wear.
5. When you get so high up the food chain of a company that they publish your name, it's time to start mailing your resume around.
5 月 18 日
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Fat Cyclist发表:
What's strange is that you hate large companies, but always work for them. I mean always. It's possible you're in a rut. Consider, for a moment, your resume:
Bob's Resume
Objective
To work in one large software company after another, changing jobs only when the company goes belly-up or I need to flee an unhealthy relationship.
Experience
WordPerfect: Senior Technical Writer. Responsibilities: design and write software documentation.
Novell: Senior Technical Writer. Responsibilities: design and write software documentation.
Adobe: Senior Technical Writer. Responsibilities: design and write software documentation.
Education
BYU: Bachelors Degree in designing and writing software documentation.
BYU: Masters Degree in designing and writing software documentation.
Interests
1. Designing software documentation
2. Writing software documentation
3. Software documentation
5 月 18 日
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What a great list! Number 1 hits so close to home. I have often wondered, can no one else see what a rock this woman is and how can she even maintain this job? Oh, that's right, I her job for her while she is in a meeting talking in circles and not saying anything of any significance! How silly of me to forget...
5 月 18 日
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